weekly post 【13】

[hyperboleriff]

This Thursday, I had my second coaching call with my wellness coach.

She and I talked for a bit about my view on success, vision, and achievement.

Our conversation ended up moving toward meditation, to which I mentioned that I did want to start doing it, and I told her that I would do my best to build a habit of it in the next 4 weeks before we spoke again. She picked up on the way I worded it—

“Do you see that? There’s the achievement. You don’t have to do it. We’re just trying it out, remember that!”

 

Being achievement-focused is a thinking pattern of mine that I’ve never noticed up until now.

But I really do tend to think of everything as a task.

Any activity that goes toward my self-growth or my goals counts as a task. Goals themselves are tasks.

Even in recreation, I accumulate tasks. Read all the stories, earn all the achievements, finish the game.

 

A completed task is worth something. All the reward lies in completion.

An incomplete task is worth nothing. Because the absence of success is failure, right?

And working on tasks, then, is punishment. Trade in the necessary time and effort for a reward.

 

If I stop seeing the things I want to do and the things I want to achieve as tasks, then I’ve suddenly reframed the entire situation.

Doing things can be fun in and of itself, even before it can be considered complete.

Things don’t have to be completed to hold value to me.

Things don’t have to be tasks.

I don’t have to reach 100% in everything I do.

 

I’ve still got a lot of reflection to do.

But this is a nice start.

Already, I’m doing things that I’ve been putting off for years.

 

Activity log

11/6	Monday	Arknights stories; Operational Intelligence: Guard MHR; Magna, Gaismagorm Work YouTube; watched Genshin Impact PVs
11/7	Tuesday	MHR; sidequests Work Genshin; Fontaine Act V
11/8	Wednesday	Arknights; cleared CW-10 Work MHR; side quests Backlogged links all cleared out!
11/9	Thursday	Work Genshin; Furina Story Quest, started Mondstadt 4* character stories
11/10	Friday	Genshin; explored new 4.2 areas Work
11/11	Saturday	Pizza Tower; Pumpkin Tower Genshin; continued exploring
11/12	Sunday	Genshin; continued exploring, collected all 76 Aranara Redownloaded Eternal Return w/ a friend

My friend and I finally challenged the abyssal archdemon, Gaismagorm. Together, it was an easy fight. But I tried the fight again alone and struggled a lot, actually. Its slow, high-damage, multi-hit attacks pose a huge threat to most of my defensive tricks with the gunlance. Reverse blast dash instantly sets my health to zero against several of its attacks, and guard edge is useless against quick consecutive chain explosions. I’ll give it another go and do some experimenting to see how I can keep my guard up against the big guy.

Genshin has taken up a considerable amount of my time lately, with the 4.2 update bringing the finale of the main story quest, my new favorite character, the Regina of All Waters, Furina de Fontaine, and two new areas to explore. Furina is hands down some of the best effortful character writing across a lot of media, especially anime and anime-style games. It’s unfair, how much I like her. Aside from that, though, in the midst of exploring, I’ve actually started reading through older character stories and listening to voicelines. I’m enjoying those, but for now, I’ll reserve any details for another time.

 

In Arknights, I’ve also finally started reading. Though I’ve only just poked my head into the first vignette event, Operational Intelligence, and a few operator profiles, I’m also enjoying that. More details to come later, possibly.

 

Sleep log

11/6	Monday	11:45 am	4:47 am
11/7	Tuesday	1:17 pm	4:15 am
11/8	Wednesday	11:21 am	2:15 am
11/9	Thursday	12:29 pm	3:50 am
11/10	Friday	11:34 am	3:58 am
11/11	Saturday	10:30 am	2:49 am
11/12	Sunday	11:22 am	3:17 am

I have not been sleeping on time at all.

But that’s okay.

It wouldn’t do to punish myself for it, as in the past, that’s never gotten me anywhere.

 

I should acknowledge and be thankful that my current sleep schedule is permitting me to sleep at 4 AM and wake up at 12 PM…

 

Exercise log

11/6	Monday	Gym; 5:30 run, 3 sets abs (125 lb), 2 sets glutes, mid rows
11/7	Tuesday
11/8	Wednesday
11/9	Thursday
11/10	Friday
11/11	Saturday
11/12	Sunday

I slacked off at the gym because of all my excitement to get home and continue playing through the Genshin Impact content update with my friend.

This upcoming week, I plan to go a little more.

My 60^th day of continued membership is coming up, at which point I’ll be charged the hefty annual fee of $60.

Because my plans don’t include staying at my current job for all too many months, I’m thinking I’ll cancel my membership soon.

Hopefully, by then, I can finish my manual and start looking for a new job.

I’ll likely cancel this upcoming Friday.

 

So let’s make this week of gym activities count!

 

Food log

11/6	Monday		fish sticks	leftover spinach ravioli, rice, beef & spinach, cauliflower	Gong Cha; gingerbread milk tea
11/7	Tuesday	banana bread		pasta in red sauce, meatballs, fried tofu	yogurt & berries, Gong Cha; matcha milk tea
11/8	Wednesday		fish sticks	stir-fried udon, ground pork, fried tofu	senbei rice cracker, yogurt & berries, apple pie
11/9	Thursday	cranberry orange bread		leftover pasta, kale	yogurt & berries, vanilla ice cream, coffee crackers
11/10	Friday	almond imlk	pesto turkey & colby sandwich, arugula butternut pomegranate salad	soba noodles in soup, imitation crab, fish paste, kale	yogurt & berries, pretzels, chocolate mousse
11/11	Saturday	egg tart	chips & salsa	rice, Korean soy sauce pork, lotus root in black bean sauce, braised beef, butternut squash	yogurt & berries, Kitkat
11/12	Sunday	cihcken porridge, Chinese fried donuts	cauliflower pizza	rice, chicken, beef & tomato, baby bok choy	yogurt & berries, vanilla ice cream

Looking back gives me a little bit of guilt over the amount of sugar I actively search for on a daily basis.

I’m very used to including something sweet in my day.

If not a treat before work, then dessert after work.

Every day of last week, I sought out something sugary.

Dessert is going to be a hard habit to break.

I thought I had it back in college—for a while, I actively reserved desserts for the weekends, even in the face of the dining halls’ infinite supply of sweets.

But for a reason I haven’t quite figured out yet, I’ve slipped back into the habit of giving into craving.

Eventually, I may figure out why I personally crave sugar, and I may even figure out a way to lessen the urge.

For now, though, I won’t hold myself to too many expectations.

Because that’s not healthy, even if a daily dose of sugar isn’t healthy either.

 

Might as well not double dip in unhealthy things, right?

Reflecting on my coaching call has given me an odd sense of motivation.

Perhaps I cower in the face of task lists and simply never noticed.

Right now, I’m trying to cut out “backlogs” from my life.

No more Watch Later videos, less adding to wishlists and libraries.

More deciding and doing and following my creative spark wherever it may be, whether that be games, writing, watching, cleaning...

 

Maybe I’ve been on too straight a path of toil and turnout, toil and turnout.

The right thing for me right now might be instead to learn how to stop living in the shadow of to-do lists.

 

That'll be it for me today. Sycee, signing off!

Monday | 11/13/23